hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
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The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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