did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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