new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
