I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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