Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
