No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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