Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
