I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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