apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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