i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
