Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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