I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
