Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
