I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Randomize