Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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