mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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