I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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