never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
