my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
