If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
