im so drunk with asians
where?
always
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Randomize
