just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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