I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Randomize
