You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
