Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
