walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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