Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
