someone owes me an orgasm
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
