Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
