I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
