4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
