Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I smell stomach acid.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Randomize
