Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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