Swine flu. Run for my life!
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
