so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
