I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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