have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
In other news, I just burned my penis
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
