I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i just google imaged poop.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
