I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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