i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
