my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
17 year olds will be the death of me.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
