I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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