yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
