shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
