allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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