i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
