she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
