glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
