why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
