i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
