We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
