oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
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