There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Someone shit on the floor
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize