sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
