"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
